Blogging makes me feel dramatic, because I am announcing everything to everybody. But not a lot of people read my blog, literally nobody reads this blog, so I wonder if I'm just feeling dramatic in that way you can really let loose when you're singing in the shower or dancing naked when you think nobody can see you.
People lose a lot of their ambitions when they think they are anonymous. On chatroulette I've seen a lot of guys jacking off their dicks. I saw one guy with a dick piercing and that image has really lodged itself into my brain.
Marie pierced her nipple today and when I saw it right after there was blood and it was all red and I thought it didn't look much like a boob or a nibble at all. It was gross, but I was really upset I didn't get to see her get it pierced.
I asked the girl at the counter a lot of questions about getting a tattoo, but didn't get one. I don't know if I'll ever commit to a tattoo. It seems like too final a gesture. I like to think I can undo all my actions. I don't like to think that I can make any choice that will permanently unmake all other decisions. I saw a cop giving a homeless guy shit on the street today and for a moment thought about shoving the cop briskly with my shoulder but decided that later in the day I wanted to steal a camera from Urban Outfitters and that if the cop caught me he would think I was the asshole from before. Of course if he caught me there would be no mercy on his part no matter what, but I didn't like the idea of the cop "making up his mind about me," and thinking that I was a scumbag. But I don't know why.
Later I did steal the camera, but I bought some jeans and felt bad about giving money to Urban Outfitters, except my dad let me charge the jeans on the credit card. I felt bad for not paying for all my own stuff. I paid for vicoden.
At some point I thought about the camera I stole and decided that I liked the retro-design and aesthetic of the camera more than I wanted to take pictures. I put the camera on display in my room and thought that if I never used it I would still be happy with how it looked, and how it suggested the possibility of taking cool pictures, and all the cool stuff I could maybe see one day and take a picture of, and how if I did that I would have a cool picture of a cool memory. I don't know what I was thinking of when I thought of cool pictures but I imagined skinny people, partial nudity, cigarettes, and people drawing art on the walls. I imagined that there might be a song or a joke I'd attach to a photograph and that I'd look at it and think "That was the guy who...That was the night I...."
I thought people might see the camera and think I was affecting an artistic aesthetic and that they would be right, but what can I do, I am. I want to take at least one roll of film before I get bored. I am horrified of getting bored but I get bored almost a hundred times a day.
Lately I've been writing a lot but I think my style is changing or I'm affecting a new style and it hasn't yet come together. I think it will come together or I'll write like a jerk forever.
I really want to win this poetry competition, but I am almost one hundred percent sure that there is no way to reconcile the poetry I really value and the poetry that will win. Previously I was considering drastically altering my style just to win, but I don't think I can do that either. I think I wasted a lot of time trying to write to please people. I feel really confused about my history as a student and a writer. There is a strangely consistent theme of self-doubt and shallow preoccupation in all of my journals. Sometimes I feel as though I've never changed, but I feel entirely disconnected with who I thought I was before, when things were different.
I'm trying to just really give up and effect a sort of ego-death. Lego breath. Eggo meth.
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